Ai
by Dark Goddess
Summary: Ken thinks....shounen ai


Ai

Warnings and Disclaimers: I don't own Digimon. If I did, why would I be writing a fanfic about it? Anyway, don't sue, it's not nice and I'm broke anyway, so all you'll get is lint. Also this story is a shounen ai, though it's kind of one sided. For all that don't know, shounen ai means boy (shounen) love (ai). Don't like don't read. I don't have time to hear your homophobic ranting and honestly it won't make me stop either. 

Ai 

I realized something today, something I have always known but never really noticed until this one moment. 

Love sucks major donkey balls. 

I'm laughing at the wording I used to make that statement. I never talk like that; it's all Daisuke's fault. It's all his fault that I've become so vulgar and that I hate love. I guess the reason I hate love is pretty obvious. 

I'm in love. Yes I, Ichijouji Ken, am in love with someone. And not just anyone, but with my best friend, Motomiya Daisuke. 

Here's where you're expecting me to say that I've been in love with him since the moment I met him. That he is the light of my life. Without him I am nothing because if it weren't for him than I would have lost my soul to the darkness in my heart. You're expecting me to go on about his eyes and hair. How his mere glance in my direction has me melting into nothing. 

Well, you're wrong. I'm in love not sappy. I am in love with him, but it hasn't been since the first moment I laid eyes on him. Actually the first thing I did when first laying eyes upon Daisuke, was plot his death. Something I did for a very long time. Don't be surprised, I was the Digimon Kaiser at the time, and he was the leader of the Chosen Children. We were enemies remember. 

I didn't fall in love with him after I stopped being the Kaiser either. At the time I was too emotionally unstable to even think about feelings for another person. The only thing I felt for Daisuke at that time was gratitude. Gratitude for saving my soul, for giving me another chance and for showing me that someone didn't want to be my friend because I was famous but because he genuinely wanted my friendship. 

For a long time all I wanted form Daisuke was his friendship and that's exactly what I received. We have been best friends for sixteen years. For sixteen years, we have been their for each other. He was there for me when I realized I was gay and told my parents (Who, by the way, didn't take it very well). And I was their for him when he was starting off his business. During all that time I had never once consider Daisuke as anything more then a friend. 

Then when did I realize that I was in love with Daisuke? I know that's what you're asking at the moment. 

Well, I first became attracted to him a little while after he began his whole noodle cart thing, which was maybe half a year after he graduated college. I'm not exactly sure why, I guess I started seeing Daisuke in a new light. He was no longer that little boy who had a crush on Yagami Hikari and thought of nothing but becoming a champion soccer player. He had become a man who was fighting hard to make his dream come true, who would stay up at all hours to get his inventory down and then run out to drag a noodle cart all over the city. He was also really sexy in just a tank top, a pair of pants and bandanna tied around his forehead. Pulling around that noodle cart really did his physic good. 

My feelings for him deepened during those years where his business was really beginning to pick up. It was so hard for him to keep the business going without becoming sick with fatigue. Daisuke's never been one for work in the first place, imagine going for days and days without rest. Sure he would stay up late to do inventory and then go off to work for eight hours or more, but he always took the weekends off and as many breaks as possible. No matter what his favorite past time will always be sleep. 

I would help as much as possible and he'd thank me and whenever he could he'd take me out to dinner as thanks or buy me something that I was really in need of. He would always make sure that I was all right, always made sure that our friendship wouldn't strain because of his job. 

That's why my feelings for him deepened past just physical attraction. He was so caring and sweet and no matter how tired he always made time for me when I needed it. And I think the need to take care of him helped in my ever-growing affection towards him. He needed someone to remind him to eat! 

But because life was so hectic I never paid much attention to the fact that I was falling in love with him. I, of course, had my own job to worry about and as I mentioned before I was helping Daisuke. So I never had much time to analyze any feelings that I might have notice I was having for him. 

I guess you're ready to kill me because you're dying to know when I realized I'm in love with him and why I hate love. And it isn't because I have low self-esteem and don't believe that anyone as perfect as him could ever love someone like me. I mean Daisuke's a wonderful guy but he's not perfect, far from it really and that's one of the reasons I love him so much. It's also has nothing to do with him turning me down because I have never told him. Nothing so predictable as that. It's a reason much worse then that but let me tell you when I realized I loved him first. It will explain everything.

The realization hit me at the most inopportune moment in all time. It was on Daisuke's wedding day just after I handed him the ring to put on his new wife's finger. 

I know, sucks doesn't it. But watching him placing the ring on Natsumi's finger while saying "With this ring I thee wed." made my heart twist. And right at the moment when they sealed their new marriage with a kiss (and I had seen them kiss before this) was when I realized that I was completely and utterly, head over heals, hopelessly in love with him. 

Now do you understand why I hate love. Sitting there watching them be so close, watching them care so much for each other. Having to make a toast to their everlasting love, having to say a speech during the wedding reception. Not being able to scream out how much I love him—because I will _not_ break them apart and I will kill anyone that tries. It hurts it honestly hurts. 

You know what hurts even more. I introduced him to Natsumi. She's my secretary. They met when we were around twenty-three years old and he was really beginning to make money off his noodles—he had just opened his second store. Yes, his business was moving that fast. 

They met, hit it off and started to date. I new this and I didn't pay much thought to it. As I told you we were all to busy. All three of us worked to make sure Daisuke's business continued to succeed so we all became pretty close. 

That's another reason why I am angry. He couldn't have fallen in love with a bitch. He had to fall in love with someone nice like Natsumi who constantly saved my ass from angry clients. Who has helped me solve cases that were stumping me. Who has bought me lunch when I have forgotten my own (or can not go out to get any). With her money and without me asking I might add.

She is sweet and kind and I love her like a sister. So how can I take Daisuke away form her. They are deeply love.. It hurts to watch them, it hurts that I can never be with him, but I am happy for them. They have, with each other, what I can never have with him. And to seal their bond in further they have a baby. A little boy named Motomiya Tetsuya. 

The cute little thing is the reason they had to marry. Natsumi became pregnant and Daisuke asked her to marry him. He was really happy about it too. He has always wanted children and he was already in love with Natsumi so all the pregnancy did was speed up the proposal. 

I can't say I'm not jealous though, because that would be a lie. I am very jealous. So jealous that I have actually wished that something would happen to her. Anything, so that I could be with him. And I hate myself because of it. 

Those are thoughts that I despise. Thoughts that come from the Kaiser who still is a part of me. He is a part of me who can never be removed and he is angry. Angry that I won't take what he believes to be rightfully ours. He is the one that plots Natsumi's death, that wishes that I would do something to her to make her go away. He hates me, calls me spineless and weak. 

He also hurts like I do. He yearns for the same thing I do. His heart bleeds just like mine when he sees them together, feeding their child or each other. That's why he's angry and bitter. That is the side of me that hates Natsumi. 

This is where my story ends. No happy ending, no moments of uncomfortable confessions. They're still married and in love and I am forever to be in love with him but be nothing but his best friend. He will never know either because I will never tell him. 

He will never know how much I love him. And I guess that makes me a coward. A word the Kaiser screams out at me at night when I can't sleep because the pain of being alone will not let me. 

I am a coward. Am I? I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm not. I don't tell him because I love him. But I hope you understand that keeping this little secret rips me part slowly form the inside. It would be so easy to tell him. But I will lose so much if I do. 

Or will I? This is why I am a coward. I know and yet I don't know. I am—

Ken looked up from his journal when he heard the telephone ring. He sighed and closed the book, removing his glasses and placing them on top of the black leather book. He stood and walked towards the telephone, which was located on the other side of the room. 

__

It's a good thing I was interrupted I was beginning to babble. He thought as ran long fingers through fine, blue hair. _Though it really felt good to get all that off your chest. Buying a journal was the smartest thing you've done, Ichijouji. _

"Mushi Mushi?" He said when he had placed the telephone to his ear. "Oh, hi Daisuke. What's wrong?" 

There was a long silence as Ken listened to what Daisuke was telling him. He sighed, a sad smile appearing on his pretty features. 

"Hai Daisuke." He said after a while. "I'll help you pick out a present for Natsumi's birthday. No it's no trouble. Sure, pick me up in about an hour. No, I don't think she'll like a soccer ball. Yes, I bet it is a very nice soccer ball. I know she likes soccer, Daisuke. But trust me, she won't want a soccer ball." 

He continued to speak to his friend for a few more minutes before finally hanging up the phone. Turning towards his journal again he frowned.

"It's a pain almost too hard to bare"He said out loud while writing the words down in the journal. "But to keep him happy, I will forever keep these words in my heart." He sighed before continuing. "It is the only thing I can give him in return for all things he has done for me." 

He closed the book and placed it in the drawer of his night stand. Then went to take a shower and change. The only thoughts in his mind consisted of man with soft chocolate, brown eyes, a beautiful maroon hair. 

Owari…maybe if I feel like it. 


End file.
